The Adventures of Jeffrey Booby Hands

Once upon a time, there lived a little boy from Kutztown who dreamed of one day having boobies for hands. Yes, hands made of boobs. Booby hands. Here is my story:

Maybe it's the fact I could motorboat myself. Maybe it's the fact I could respond to annoying comments like, "Dude, I think you got too much time on your hands" with a "No, it's not time. It's cleavage!" But, everytime I see a girl walk by with great breasts my imagination runs wild. I start thinking about all that could become of me and my booby hands...

THE RISE

Oh, I could see it now. Some guy in Amish country trying to milk me for all I'm worth in the back of his barn. Why I'd probably start out as a booby hand model - wide-eyed, nieve. Then, move into doubling for people's boobies in Hollywood. Stunt booby hands. Yeah, it would be all glitz and glamor at first. All the casting director's for the porn industry would go to me.

If somebody would get fired or Jenna was sick or her boobs were looking a little saggy - they'd bring me in. The heavy hitter. The go-to booby hands.

Pretty soon, my booby hands would be everywhere. I'd be doing a scene where Brad Pitt would be cupping my booby hands. My booby hands would be in a lesbian scene. Really, does it get any better? I'm at first base with myself all the time!!!

THE FALL

But, then, we all know inevitably some schmuck producer would ask to sit on the couch with my booby hands. People would become more interested in my booby hands than me. Everybody would ask my booby hands to sign autographs and water their lawns and feed their babies.

And the minute they start to sag - I'm done, finished! I'd have to have them lifted and enlarged. Implants! And the procedure would go all wrong. All of a sudden my booby hands would be too big. They'd have a mind of their own, an unnatural appeal. They'd be giving me back hand problems.

Then, finally 20 years later I could see it now my booby hands would be on some show like the "Surreal Life." I'd be a laughing stock. It would be me and my booby hands starring with Kramer from "Seinfeld" and Mel Gibson would be ranting Jewish epithets at my booby hands, "Why is it your booby hands always feel a draft in the room? Why are they always in the bathroom when the bill comes?"

Oh, the mammories. To be continued...